talking sh*t

January 26, 2004

At the MLK day festival last week, I got into a lot of conversations involving the words “they” and “we.” What I realized and mentioned in a couple of those conversations is that the power to change things can only come from changing that “we” to “I”.

For instance there was this young man that walked the entire length of the celebration very slowly with 2 scantly clad women (one black woman, one white) walking behind him. At first glance (and 2nd and 3rd and 70th) he appeared to be a pimp.

I say “appeared to be” because I don’t want to assume. Perhaps he was in a horrible fire the night before that consumed all of his clothes and the only place open before the festival was a costume shop. Perhaps the costume shop (Mid-January being so soon after Halloween) only had 3 outfits left, a pimp, a KKK member, and a clown… so he chose the less of 3 evils and came as a pimp. As for the 2 young ladies, perhaps they weren’t prostitutes at all, but his friends, who dressed up like that for moral support. Or, maybe he WAS a pimp and his miniature multiracial prostitute parade was his perverse interpretation of MLK’s dream.

What bothered me is that no one stopped him and said anything. What bothers me more is that “I” didn’t stop him. Whether or not he realized it, he made a statement that day and “I” didn’t. He’s in the back of my psyche and I’m not in his, and “I” only have me to blame. “We” must be as bold as “they.”

We/I need to start booing at poor performances
We/I need to pull poorly behaved children over and talk to them
We/I need to be less of a hermit so that people see alternatives
We/I need to need to be more pro active and practical in our day to day application of love on others,
We/I need to know that there are no small things all things matter.

The flip side of this story was that after the celebration, several teens gathered in the parking lot to battle. But not with violence - with dance!! It took me back to see that. It also took me back when I saw the po-po (police… duh) arrive. But to my surprise they looked the situation over and let it be. My wife and our homegirl went up to them and actually thanked them for treating our children like human beings. It’s important to tell po-po when they do the right thing. We need to be as bold as the truth.

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jan 6th, 2004

For the first 4 nights of this year I wasn't able to sleep. The first few nights, it was nightmares but a night ago I just couldn’t sleep. For some reason I was overwhelmed with doubt. I stayed up writing every bit of it into my journal.

The next day, after some serious meditation, a long talk with my Umi and a thorough rereading of this really cool book called Bullshit or Fertilizer, my head is on straight again.

I think what I failed to mention in the book is that “THE LEAP” is not a one shot deal. In your journey there will be many leaps, each harder than the last. I feel a shift and I’m about to make a couple of leaps this year. So perhaps that's where all this chaos came from.

I share with you these pieces from my journal that night, only because I feel that you need to see I have doubts too. I feel that it's just as informative for my readers to see what my doubt looks like, as it is to see my pep talks. Here are some of the highlights from my cathartic night. Enjoy:

- I remember someone telling me “sometimes you need to sit back and enjoy life” but in life it seems like being STILL is a sin. You're not supposed to “enjoy” life, your supposed to “enjoy a movie” or “enjoy coca cola.” Consumption is meditation so I eat my words and wonder why I’m getting fat

- Part of me feels like f#%$  it. Perhaps the time has come to say “what’s so bad about giving up?” Get a regular ass J-O-B  that pays me to press the buttons I’m supposed to press to get my little pellets of food. Listen to hot 97, believe what fox news tells me and watch the Oscars and believe everyone getting an award deserves one.

- Perhaps I’m not as talented as I think I am. Faith don’t pay the bills, neither does talent come to think of it.

- What makes a magician keep performing magic if he knows how all the tricks are done?

- I feel like gravity. No one ever says their prayers at night and thanks GOD (or whatever little invisible omnipitent being they believe in) for gravity. But it’s always there, invisible and working. No blockbuster movies are made about gravity. Nobody names their first born Gravity.

- I feel overlooked. I feel that the $  we get from what we do is not equivalent to the effort we put forth.

- It's not a lack of faith in my abilities it’s a lack of faith in folks caring. The lyrics to “pop life” come to mind: “everybody can’t be on top” and that’s real. What if it's just not my time to shine? I can actually deal with that, i just need to know.

- We are all just farting belching decaying pieces of electricaly charged hunks of flesh. That will all die. So why bother? What’s the point? Why is expession important? I knew an old lady who lived to be 100 & had alsheimers. All she could do at the end of her life was ask for apple juice while walking the length of her house butt naked. I was like damn! If you're lucky you’ll end up like her and have kids to walk you into the next phase of existence. But my question is was her life pointless? All the achievements were only remembered once she was gone and she couldn’t remember them anyway. You can't take it with you so...

- Hold up am I depressed? Is this depression? Lord I hope not… I don’t think I can afford it.

- I’m tired of having to explain myself. I’m tired of haters. I'm tired of paying dues. I'm tired of feeling overlooked. I’m tired of bring tired. I’m tired of caring so much about everything. I’m tired of people calling how we live “a risk and a gamble” I’m tired of proving people wrong. I’m tired of rent. I’m tired of mediocracy. I’m tired of being awake.


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