10/1/04
I was on the train back to Brooklyn today listening to a mix CD looking out the window. And a Donny Hathaway song came on and tears…out of no where I was holding back tears. Then immediately after that was all this internal conflict. Why am I crying? Should I cry in a public place? When was the last time I cried? It was weird cause I didn’t feel sad or angry or any more filled with joy than any other day. I just felt to cry. But I fought it with all that was in me not to cry on the train.
Then the feeling passed and I felt like a jerk for not just going with it, then a thought hit me and I’ve been putting this thought up to everything since it came to me and it seems to stand. The idea was that pain only comes from resistance. Then what came to me was my lifetime bout with anxiety and my inability to float when I swim or chew slowly when I eat. How I love new things but get tense through the transition. It’s kept me from enjoying my food… and where the hell am I going, anyway? What’s that important? Especially if I’m not promised all these days I’m planning towards. That's not to say F*@# all responsibilities but why do I stress?
I can’t think of a forward move that I’ve made with out the act of letting go. Letting things be, not trying to resist or manipulate but just trust the nature of the moment. It’s some thing that I must constantly remind my self to practice. I wasn’t sure if I was going to even share this but then I thought let go of what folks might think. Letting go is a good lesson apply it to a place in your life where there is pain and see what happens.
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